Communication and Misunderstandings

In my career as an HR professional and executive, I’ve noted a heightened level of miscommunications that ensue in emails, meetings, and especially slack messages. These miscommunications inevitably lead to heated debates, hurt feelings, and often become reasons for why someone chooses to leave a company – the proverbial last straw. Most of these misunderstandings are avoidable, and at a minimum can be unpacked, leading to better outcomes, but first, we must understand why they happen.

In its most rudimentary form, communication is comprised of two key elements:

1. What you say and how you say it

2. What you hear and how you interpret it

The frame of mind someone is in during a conversation will have an impact on both the saying and the hearing aspects of the dialogue as well as their values, beliefs, and general interpretation of the world.

The pattern of misunderstanding often starts like this: someone reads something on a slide, or hears a phrase that is triggering. Being triggered, they have a very emotional or “explosive” reaction, often derailing the meeting. Subsequently, several others in the meeting take offense and are in turn triggered by the statements and specific language used.

In my decades of working in tech, this pattern is a very common one and if the parties involved have a blaming mindset, inevitably the problem is at the feet of someone else, not their own. This can happen in email, in one-on-one communication, you name it; someone is triggered by something, allows their reptilian brain to take over, and whoever is the recipient, in turn, is triggered, overreacts and the whole thing just devolves.

When I spend time facilitating and de-escalating such interactions, I do my best to pull people into individual conversations and help them process and provide perspective. With each conversation, my intent is to help everyone get out of survival mode and move into executive functioning. There is nothing like thinking clearly to help recover and formulate coherent thoughts for feedback.

My challenge to you. When you are triggered, or someone else is triggered take steps to ground yourself, to realize what is happening. Then take a deep breath and a big step back and really notice the dynamics. What’s really going on? What really needs to be said in the moment to help get a conversation back on track? Is there a way to turn it around, or do you just need to put a pin in the conversation and commit to discussing later?

I understand it all sounds easy and speaks to a lot of common sense, however, common sense isn’t always common practice.