How to change old patterns

Last week I sent a message to my newsletter subscribers titled: I was empathising with my abuser. Never mind that I chose the British spelling of empathize, but I used a provocative title because it was true for me, and I know it is true for many of you. Before you dismiss this notion and move on for the day, let me take a moment to challenge you a little. Are you open to it? It’s ok if you are not, maybe you file this away and come back to it. But if you are ready, take a peek, and see.

Let’s start off with defining “abuser”:

The definition I want to focus on, is the second bullet. This definition often comes with a lot of baggage and meaning behind it. For years, I thought of abuse in its extreme form, defined by a judge and jury objectively saying, “yes, that’s abuse”. And though this is the way many of us define abuse, it’s not the only way.

What of the small moments people in life over stepped boundaries or negated your feelings, especially when you were younger? The kid on the playground that pushed you off the jungle gym. The girl in class that thought it was funny when you got a bloody nose. The times your sibling made it clear; all things were better before you were born.

You see, in childhood, all our interactions with the world became coded into patterns of how we behave and how we interpret the world around us. For some of us, these small interactions become a core part of who we are and how we think about ourselves in the world. It isn’t a conscious way of being, however it is the way in which our brain helps us sort through the millions of points of data coming at us every moment of every day. And in adulthood the cruelty of our childhood abusers, become our inner critics. This isn’t the only way we develop inner critics, but it certainly is a common one.

Let that sink in. Take a deep breath, because there is more!

In addition, if you are empathetic, there is likely a compounding mental pattern, that activates this type of inner critic. Because when you are in a situation where you feel something is wrong, you can also see the other person’s point of view. In this way, you begin to negate your feelings and provide more understanding to the other person’s point of view.

From this place, it activates the inner critic that says “you are wrong” or the other person must be “right”, or however it is your inner critic shows up. Also, you may not hear it clearly, it may show up as a feeling where you vacillate on what to do next. You may second guess your choices. You may just feel stuck, frozen. In whatever way this shows up for you, ultimately the pattern plays out such that, you negate your feelings and needs, while validating the other person. AND you get a good dose of critic to make you feel all the worse.

To make this a little clearer, let me share an example of one instance this played out in my life. I once had a leader who was a “bad actor”. Some people loved him, but others had many doubts. I soon began to hear whispers of inappropriate behavior, preferential treatment of certain women, of trying to push a sale through before it had been vetted by legal.

As an HR professional, I would confront him with things I heard, trying to suss out what might be true and what might just be gossip. In every instance he would deny allegations and explain things away. These days you may call it gaslighting, but in the early 2000's there was no label, just confusion. People I trusted and believed had information that was counter to my experience with him, and what he said to be true, but I wasn’t sure.

So, I continued collecting data and information. I talked to my peer in legal and we devised a plan. I would do a deeper dive investigation and go to him only when I had more concrete evidence. I did my diligence, prepped beforehand, ensured I scripted everything out. I rehearsed repeatedly because I knew it would be a difficult conversation, and I wanted to stay focused on the evidence at hand.

Despite all the effort, preparation and validation from others, I walked into that meeting, ran through my points, and he mentally jujitsu-ed me. I sat there, as he ranted, deflected and pleaded with me. He appealed to our relationship remarking “Silvia, you know me, I would never do those things.” It was confusing, and left me thinking, "maybe he is telling the truth, and the others are lying. Or maybe they don't have the full story". I walked out of his office bewildered and upset. On the one hand my inner critic screamed at me that I was incompetent, and on the other, I felt sympathetic to him and worried I had gotten it all wrong.

But the rumors didn’t stop, and I knew I couldn’t do it on my own, so I ended up calling in reinforcements. If it hadn’t been for my strong partners in legal, my boss, and his boss, there may never have been consequences for him. Luckily there was enough concreate information that the others help validate and having someone else ensure we were taking the right steps made it easier. Ultimately, we ended up firing him, which was a good outcome in this situation, but that doesn’t always happen. We sometimes find ourselves in situations at work and personally, where we sacrifice ourselves and our needs because of these patterns. We give away our power because we don’t know how to be different.

Can you relate? Maybe not to my experience per se, but something similar? If so, you may be wondering, can I change this for myself? What is the solution here? The solution, as with many things, is simple. It isn’t necessarily easy in practice, because we as humans and tend to cling to the ease of our existing patterns, but here is one way to make this change:

1. First, we start with the understanding that our minds work perfectly. Every interaction we have with the world is comprised of many underlying patterns of behavior and ways of interpreting and categorizing the world. With this as the frame, you then…
   

2. Take time in a quiet space, to consider what is not working and what you would like instead. It is important to begin with clarity on what you want, in a particular instance. Do not try and change more than one pattern here, just focus on one that is causing you problems. What is the vision of how you would prefer to show up in that instance? Take time to write this out.

   Note: To get yourself in the right headspace, you may want to do a brief meditation, take a little walk around the block to clear your mind, or name some feelings. The important thing here is to prime yourself to be working with your highest self. This will facilitate expansiveness and clarity of thought.

   
   

3. Then, take yourself back to the moments that aren’t working for you. This is about naming the pattern that needs upgrading. What has happened historically in these moments? Jot those down. Do you feel anger, frustration, helplessness? Do you experience a wave of heat in your body? Does your mind start to chatter at you or does anxiety seep into your bones? What is it for you?
   

4. As you sit and ruminate on what happens, slow it all down. I know, this part can be a little uncomfortable, but the discomfort will not last, the key is to unpack what triggers you – what is the specific sequence that sends you down the pattern that no longer serves you? How does that pattern begin?

   The reason you want to isolate how the pattern begins, is that your mind will start to sort for that instance, and this is helpful as you will see below. Remember, your brain is supercomputer, and it notices moments in micro slices that are often processed in the subconscious mind. What we want to do is bring those slices to the foreground to your conscious mind. In these slices of time, you will eventually be able to choose to either go down the existing pattern or choose different.
   

5. Once you know how it all begins (if you are unsure or don’t believe you have the “perfect” moment identified, this will still work!), you will choose, to live out the vision of what you want instead. Remember step two?

   Make a commitment in this moment, that when you notice this trigger. The moment you notice it, remind yourself to choose your vision, aka your new pattern. The way this happens, is that you will encode a word, phrase or totem to help remind you.

   In the past I have worn jewelry as a reminder of the new way I want to be. Or I have written a single word or short phrase on a sticky and kept it in my notebook that I used in meetings. The important thing here is to find a way to signal your brain that you want something different. By the way, just you thinking, speaking, or writing down that the object, word, or phrase is meant to help you choose your vision, is enough for this to work – this is the magic of the brain!
   

6. Finally, adjust. As the pattern gets tested, and you do well, or not take a moment to reflect. What worked? What didn’t work? What if anything do you want to change?
   

   As with any new habit, or change in behavior, the initial phase will require more attention, but soon enough, the old way of being will loosen its hold and allow you to show up the way you envisioned.

   
   

And as a side note, don’t worry if something else triggers the “same” old pattern in you. There are many layers in who we are and how we behave and that’s ok too. It doesn’t mean you are back sliding, inept or somehow dysfunctional. It means it’s another opportunity to continue to evolve and grow into the strong and capable human you are!

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